No Bark, All Bite (transcript)
Transcript (Scene begins with the Riders flying to Berk to inform Stoick about Johann) Tuffnut: Okay, help me out here. So we're supposed to be mad at Johann for trying to systematically destroy everyone we know and love, right? Ruffnut: Correct. I say we drag him underwater behind a school of Scauldrons for ten miles. Snotlout: I say we turn him inside out and feed him to a flock of Changewings. Tuffnut: Ha, I like it, Snotlout. Sorry, sis. Ruffnut: Gotta give credit where credit's due. Tuffnut: Here's my question. Why do I have this nagging feeling of admiration for the guy? Snotlout: That's because you're a moron. Tuffnut: Yes, perhaps. But consider this. The man is a genius. Ruffnut: A genius. Tuffnut: A wunderkind. Ruffnut: Wonder of a kind. Tuffnut: An enfant terrible. Ruffnut: Don't know what that means. Tuffnut: He fooled everyone Hiccup, Stoick, Alvin, Dagur, Chicken. He even fooled us. Snotlout: Not me. I totally saw this coming. Fishlegs: Huh! You did? And you said nothing? Snotlout: There are times when you must learn the hard way, Fishy. And I find - Riders: Shut up, Snotlout! groans Astrid: Hiccup, look, your dad hates being made a fool of. This, we know. But the sooner we tell him and let him calm down, the better for all of us. Hiccup: Oh, you're right. I mean, he knows everything that's going on in the Archipelago, right? Maybe he already knows and he's cooled down. [Scene changes to Berk where Stoick, just having been informed, is rampaging) Stoick: I'll split his bony butt in two! Ruffnut: I'm gonna go out on a limb and say this is the first the Chief's hearing of it. Stoick: I want all the food gathered from Johann's last shipment. Now! Snotlout: Hey, Chief? We had a long, slow flight in. A little power nap could really hit the sp- Stoick: What?! What was that? A power nap, you say? Snotlout: Who said that? We don't need no stinkin' power naps! Yawns I am ready to go, Chief. Stoick: Hmm. (Scene changes to show the Berkians piling up all the food that Johann brought in his last shipment) Hiccup: And that's everything. Stoick: Skullcrusher, fire. Hiccup: What? lights the food on fire Dad? Uh, don't-don't you think maybe we should have checked it first? Stoick: Why? I assume you did the same on the Edge, as any sane Viking would do. Hiccup: No. The plan was to test it and see what was safe to eat. Stoick: That sounds like half a plan, son. The second half needing to figure out what to do with the Riders you kill with that poisoned food. Snotlout: I vote for a new plan. (Scene changes to show Stoick, at Gothi's hut, tossing out her medicine) Hiccup: Yo, whoa, Dad! Dad, uh, food is one thing. But all of Gothi's medicine? Stoick: Anything made from Johann's supply of willow bark. [Stoick throws the box but Gothi runs to save it and gets knocked over the edge and has to be rescued by her Gronckle before she reaches the ground) Hiccup: Whoa, Dad! Stoick: It's what needs to be done. Hiccup: Do-Don-Don't you think you're overreacting? Stoick: You don't see me telling you how to run things on the Edge, do you? Hiccup: The "half a plan" comment comes to mind. Gobber: Chief! Three new traders just arrived on the docks. Ships stacked high with anything we could ever need. Stoick: Ah! I knew those scavengers would move in once they knew we were helpless. Hiccup: Actually, they are three of the most trusted and experienced merchants in the Archipelago. Stoick: And you know that how? Hiccup: Because I sent for them. We need supplies, Dad. (Scene changes to the docks where Stoick is doing an inspection of the three merchants) Stoick: Smells fishy. Too tall. Shifty eyes. Pack up your garbage and take to the seas. We're not interested. are surprised and confused at being dismissed early Hiccup: Y-You barely even looked at them. Stoick: I saw enough. Did you happen to notice that none of those traders had willow bark? Hiccup: Gothi's medicine. Stoick: How can we trust anyone who doesn't consider our health and well-being first? Astrid: Hmm. He's actually got a point there. Hiccup: And he's gone. Oh, great. What now? (Scene changes to show Stoick and Gobber getting Skullcrusher ready for an expedition) Hiccup (cont.): Leaving to get more willow bark, I assume? grunts Gobber: Uh, that's the general idea. Hiccup: Dad, maybe now would be a good time to sit down, come up with a plan. Stoick: Already have a plan. Right up here. croons Hiccup: Do you care to share said plan? Yeah. Didn't think so. Gobber: Uh, Chief, now that you've got the bark shortage well in hand and-and great plan you-you've probably got up there, perhaps we could give one of the traders a go. It seems a shame to let all those wonderful spices and silks just float on out to sea. Stoick: Fine. Pick one. But it's only on a trial basis. And make sure they have everything else we buy honey, furs, the lot. I don't want to hear the first - Gobber: Right-o, Chief, got ya. It's all or nothing. flies away Okay, then, I'm off to pick our new trader. Shouldn't be too difficult, right? but falters so seeing Hiccup's expression Right. Good luck to us both. croons (Scene changes to show Stoick flying away from Berk being secretly followed by Hiccup but they are noticed by hidden Dragon Flyers) Flyer: Okay, they're both going. We go to plan B. (Scene changes to show the Docks where Gobber is trying to choose a merchant but is being pestered while under pressure) Snotlout: Man, I'd hate to be in your shoe, Gobber. I mean, if you pick the wrong one - Gobber: Uh - Tuffnut: I mean, I didn't think the chief could possibly get in a worse mood. Ruffnut: Hey, what you think he'd do to Gobber if he made the wrong decision? Gobber: All right, all of you! Out of here, and let me think! Come on, Gobber. It's not that hard. You can do this. over at the impatient merchants and lets out a nervous chuckle (Scene changes to show Hiccup following Stoick before he loses him in the clouds) Hiccup: What? Stoick: Anything I can help you with? Hiccup: in surprise Hey! Dad. Hey! Funny seeing you up here. I thought you could use this map from Gothi. Stoick the map It demarks all the islands with willow bark on them. dragons appear and surround them Hey, Dad. Stoick: I see it! Hiccup: D-Dad, we might want to go around the wild dragon stampede, as opposed to - shoots Hiccup a glare J-Just a thought. Monstrous Nightmare appears, Stoick knocks it away, and it flames up Stoick: Oh, you want to play with fire, do you? fires at it and it flies away Skullcrusher and I had it all under control. Hiccup: I'm sure you did. But think how terrible you'd feel if you hurt one of those dragons instead of scaring them off. Uh, Dad? You okay. H-Hello? the island on fire Strange. The first place we go happens to be on fire? It's almost like someone - Stoick: It's not the only island on the map, son. It's just a minor setback. Let's get a move on. flies away yowls at the smoke coming from the burning island Hiccup: I know, bud. I know. (Scene changes to show Gobber still trying to make a decision while the others wait in anticipation and impatience) Astrid: Gobber? Gobber: I can't do it! Look at all his fragrant crispy apples. Her sweet golden honey. And these figs. Oh! Have you tasted this man's figs? Astrid: Gobber, we haven't tasted anything. Ruffnut: In days! Gah, I wish I was fig-tasting. share a glance and nod Lena: Well, maybe you should. Zachariah: Maybe you all should. Tuffnut: Maybe we all should. Hmm. I like the way these traders think. Lena: We'd like to propose a competition of sorts. Tuffnut: A competition? Zachariah: To display the quality of our livestock, our produce, our spices. Lena: A cooking competition. Tuffnut: A cooking competition? Why didn't you say so? Snotlout: Uh, hello? They're merchants, not chefs. What is this gonna prove? Tuffnut: I'm so hungry, they could cook like Ruffnut, and I'd still gorge myself until I was sick. Either way, you end up sick. Ruffnut: Preach, brother. Oh, or peach, brother. You know, whichever you prefer. I personally would prefer the peaches. I'm starving. Gobber: Stoick did burn a lot of our provisions. Astrid: Good point. Zachariah: Gather in your Great Hall and prepare for some of the most delicious meals you've ever tasted. Tuffnut: May the merchant with the best victuals win! And may Ruffnut and I officiate! Ruffnut: Judging we shall go! Tuffnut: What were you saying about peaches? (Scene changes to show Hiccup, on the ground, checking the trees for the right bark before Stoick, riding Skullcrusher, comes along and knocks the tree down) Hiccup: Whoa! Uh, we need bark. Not the whole tree. Stoick: Laughs Oh, that's a good one, son. Telling your old man how to gather bark. sniffs the air smelling something shortly before spotting smoke and growling to alert Hiccup Hiccup: Dad! Stoick: Not now, son. around and notices the smoke Oh, come on. Flyers are seen setting the island on fire Hiccup: I told you this wasn't a coincidence. Stoick: Hiccup! and Hiccup quickly take out the Flyers Ha-ha! Yeah! That's right! Try us again, and you'll know what real pain is! Good boy, Skullcrusher. I thought Johann was smarter than this. Hiccup: He is smarter than this. Stoick: What are you saying, Hiccup? Hiccup: His plan can't just have been to set a couple of fires or ruin all of our food. There has to be more to it. Stoick: You're giving the man too much credit. Sometimes a plan is just a plan, even if it's a bad one. Now, if you'll excuse me. flies away and Hiccup yells in frustration before following (Scene changes to show the inside of the Great Hall where the Twins have a table set up for judging the food the merchants bring out for them while the rest of the Berkians wait for their decision) Tuffnut: Oh! Ooh! What do we have here? Yak chops with a light dusting of paprika-infused wheatgrass? Ruffnut: A bold move. A bold move, indeed. But let's see how the umami flavours play with the meat's salinity. start devouring the yak chops Gobber: I have no idea what those two are babbling on about. Fishlegs: Oh! Can't say that I really care. This smells so delicious! walks over to Astrid Snotlout: Ha! Do you believe these mutton heads? Letting the twins tell them what to eat? Talk about sheep mentality. Zachariah: And now, fresh out of the coal oven, honey-roasted boar butt! Snotlout: Hands off my end piece! Don't you know that's the butt's butt? (Scene changes to show Stoick and Hiccup resting on a sea stack some ways away from the burning island and plotting their next move) Stoick: Once the dragons are rested, we'll get a move on. Hiccup: The next island on this map is halfway across the Archipelago. Dad? Stoick: What now? Hiccup: Just listen to me for a second. You've known Johann for years - Stoick: Not this again. Hiccup: All of this cannot be about us flying around looking for tree bark. It makes no sense. Stoick: Okay, then, what would you have us do? Stand around, think of a plan, write it on a wall, perhaps? Go over it again and again? Hiccup: It'd be a lot better than flying off half-cocked with no supplies and tired dragons. Stoick: Oh, I must have forgotten. I'm talking to the expert in getting duped by Trader Johann. Hiccup: Maybe. But I was only duped for half as long as you were. So what does that make you? and Stoick glare at each other Dad. Stoick: Don't apologize. Too late for that. Hiccup: I wasn't going to. takes the map Stoick: Do what you like. You know where I'll be. flies away and Toothless roars questioningly Hiccup: Oh, yeah? Well, you try talking to him. (Scene changes to the Great Hall where the Twins are just finishing all the food and getting ready to announce their verdict) Tuffnut: Mmm. Oh! Ruffnut: After a seven-course meal and a palate-cleansing aperitif. belches followed by Ruffnut Tuffnut: We are ready to announce the winner. away the dish The winner who is - throat Nobody! It's a tie! Zachariah: Hey! Snotlout: Wow! Who could have seen that coming? Gobber: How about a sudden death? Best cheese plate wins! Lena: Cheese plate? No. Sudden death? Coming right up. pull out weapons from behind their backs Zachariah: Served cold. burst into the Great Hall startling them and one knocks out Snotlout Snotlout: Snotlout, out lout. of them hold up their hands but Astrid, having none of that, takes out a few Hunters before running outside to see Berk under attack by Hunters and Flyers. She spots Stormfly having been netted and starts running towards her Astrid: Oh! No, no, no! out a couple more Hunters and picks up a dropped axe Nobody messes with my dragon! path to Stormfly gets stopped by a fire blast Ah! looks up and spots Krogan Krogan: How gallant. Risking everything for your miserable island and your worthless dragon. throws the axe at Krogan who catches it Johann was right. So predictable. Hunters come along and restrain Astrid Astrid: You might as well save the men, Krogan. You'll never take Berk! Krogan: From the looks of things, we already have. (Scene changes to Stoick and Hiccup flying at a distance in the dusk sky but their dragons force them closer together and they awkwardly try to speak to each other) Stoick: Ah Hmm. Stoick/(Hiccup): Hiccup? (Dad?) Stoick/(Hiccup): No, you. (Go ahead.) Hiccup: No. You're the chief. Stoick: But you are next in line. Stoick/(Hiccup): I may have rushed to judgment. (I could have been more decisive.) Hiccup: Look, Johann's got us so turned around, we're spinning out of control. Stoick: Aye, he does indeed. Hiccup: Okay. Full disclosure. I had no idea how to test the food for poison back on the Edge. Stoick: Isn't that what Snotlout is for? laugh I should have just picked one of those lousy traders, even though they had no bark and all the same fish. Out with it. Hiccup: Well, it seems like a pretty big coincidence. No bark, the same fish. Wait. That fish, what kind was it? Stoick: I was so busy acting like a child, I only saw it for a moment. Hiccup: It wasn't Ice Tail Pike, was it? Stoick: Hmm. Indeed it was. Hiccup: That's what Singetails eat. Oh! You were right not to trust them after all. Stoick: Ah, Johann's sent us on a wild-goose chase to get us far away from Berk. Hiccup: Let's go, bud. (Scene changes to show the Riders and Gobber, tied up in the Great Hall, being guarded by Hunters) Gobber: Leave it to those fools to forget about Gobber's old hook-hand. grabs Gobber's hand Wha- Hmm. throws away Gobber's hand Ah. Snotlout: Way to go, Gobber. Way to say your plan out loud. I'd clap, but Oh, wait. My hands are tied. Gobber: 'Course, they didn't count on my secret weapon. taps his peg leg causing a blade to come out Tuffnut: You been holding a peg blade? Hope you have a permit for that. Gobber: Hiccup made it for me last birthday. Handy. takes out the blade and starts to cut his ropes Astrid: Gobber! nods to the Hunters walking over who stop and look at Gobber suspiciously before dismissing and moving on. Gobber then passes the blade to Astrid who starts cutting Fishlegs ropes Astrid: Fishlegs. stop moving as more Hunters walk by Snotlout: That's right. Keep walking. Nothing to see here. Certainly not saying our plan out loud, right, Gobber? Hunter: Does this one ever shut up? How do you all stand it? Tuffnut: Ha! You think he talks a lot? You have no idea. Try spending a day with me. Hunters walk over to the Twins Yeah, that's right. and Fishlegs continue cutting the ropes I'm world-ranked and peer-reviewed as the best blatherer in the Archipelago. Hunter: Hmm. Tuffnut: So tosses the blade to Snotlout if you think I'm gonna take being implied as a tier-two talker and not think twice, you are sorely mistaken, monsieur! I demand an apology forthwith, henceforth, and with force. decide to take the demand and raise a mace on Tuffnut before they get taken down by Astrid and Fishlegs. The rest of the Hunters are alerted but quickly get taken out by Gobber and the Riders before Fishlegs tries to open the door Fishlegs: Locked from the outside. Snotlout: After all that, and we can't get out of here? Who said the idea out loud? Huh? Who did it? Gobber? the outside, during the night, where Hunters are piling up things in front of the door Flyer: No sign of the Dragon Eye lens. Krogan: No matter. By the time Hiccup and Stoick return, we'll be reinforced with troops. Our defenses will be fortified and with all of Berk as our bargaining chip, we'll get anything we want. (Scene changes to show Stoick and Hiccup doing reconnaissance from a hidden spot on Berk) Hunters standing outside the Great Hall Stoick: Most of the guards are outside the Great Hall. Hiccup: Must be where they're keeping everyone. Stoick: Then why's he taking that ballista to the arena? Hunters pushing a ballista Hiccup: Because that's where the dragons are. He's gonna use it on them. runs and mounts Toothless Stoick: Ah, wait, son. My island, my plan. (Scene changes to show a Flyer watching other Flyers before a fireball comes hurtling towards his face) Flyer: What? continues taking out Flyers with Skullcrusher before arriving at the Great Hall Stoick: Give it all you got, Skullcrusher! sneaks up on and fires at Stoick who dodges Krogan: You might want to turn around. We don't take trespassers lightly on our island. Stoick: Your island? Your island?! fires riling up the Singetail and places himself in front of the Great Hall That's it. Let's see your best. Singetail goes to fire in retaliation but is stopped by Krogan Krogan: Clever ruse, Stoick. I fire, and the door caves in, freeing everyone inside. Stoick: Not as dumb as he looks, unfortunately. (Scene changes to show the Academy where the Hunters point the ballista at Hookfang who cowers in his cage) Hunter: Like fish in a barrel. Hunters laugh before Toothless fires a Plasma Blast at the ballista Hiccup: That should do it. ballista is shown unscathed surprising Hiccup and Toothless What? Hunters turn the ballista on Hiccup and Toothless Hunter: Fire! rapid fire at Hiccup and Toothless Hiccup: Toothless, look out! shoots more Plasma Blasts and the Hunters roll the ballista out of the Academy to get a better shot and spot them shortly after Hunter: There! Hiccup: Oh, come on, come on, there's got to be a way to disarm this thing. gets an idea Huh? Toothless? You got something? dive bombs Aah! rams the ballista knocking it into the ocean Ha-ha! A page right out of Stoick the Vast's playbook! look over to see Stoick, riding Skullcrusher, battling Krogan before Skullcrusher takes a hit and crashes to the ground Stoick: Well, come on already! Let's not drag this out! Singetail fires up but gets ambushed by Toothless Just in time, son! Hiccup: Heck of a plan, Dad. Krogan: Do you think one more of you is going to make a difference? This is finished. Stoick: Who said it was just one more of us? Rider's dragons and a horde of other dragons show up Hiccup: Now, Toothless! Fire! dragons blow the door on the Great Hall freeing the Riders and the Flyers and Hunters are quickly outmatched Stoick: You're right about one thing, Krogan. This is finished. Krogan: Enjoy your remaining days. We will do what we set out to do! and the Flyers retreat and the Riders run up Hiccup: Everyone okay? smiles and nods Stoick: Johann has no idea what he has started. (Scene changes to show the Great Hall at dawn where Hiccup and Stoick are moving supplies) Stoick: Well, nice of those traders to leave all these leftovers. Hiccup: You make it sound like they had a choice. Stoick: Chuckles Hiccup, I said a lot of things yesterday that came from a place of anger and were not meant for you. Hiccup: Yeah, me too. You know, for the first time in a while, I-I had no idea what to do. Stoick: Hiccup, you've been at the Edge a long while now. And you've done amazing things. Things I could never have dreamed of. But if I've learned one thing in the last twenty-four hours, it's that you and I we're better together than alone. Berk needs you, son. I need you. Just, think about it. Tuffnut: I can't believe Dagur has the gall to send us a box of flavorless wood chips for, quote unquote, aid. Ruffnut: I mean, have you tried choking this stuff down? bites the bark It's like, well - Stoick: That's willow bark, you knuckleheads. Tuffnut: Wait. So this is actual bark. This isn't bark-flavored food? and Hiccup laugh I have wood pulp stuck in my teeth! That means I have to brush my teeth! exit with Ruffnut laughing and Tuffnut spitting Stoick: Well, there's one problem solved. That Dagur, he sure has changed, hmm? Hiccup: You have no idea what's gone on outside the Archipelago. Stoick: Then tell me, son. I'm all ears. and Stoick walk out of the Great Hall as Hiccup begins fill Stoick in on the happenings outside the Archipelago Category:Dragons: Race to the Edge Transcripts